Norms

Society messes us up so much sometimes. It tells us we are supposed to be a certain way and if not we are wrong and need to change. I am a tomboy at heart. I like being outside and getting dirty and sweaty. I like hard work and sports and beer and burgers. When I'm cold I don't bundle up and cry about it, I go for a run and get hot and move on with my day. I cuss and laugh at dirty jokes. I get along great with guys. I like hurt and pain and pushing myself. I don't like shopping or gossip. I like camping and fishing and shooting guns and competitions. I don't paint my fingernails. I don't get a new outfit every week. I want to be strong and am proud of wanting to look strong. All these things apparently "make me a tomboy".

My boyfriend likes relaxing and eating popcorn and ice cream while watching movies. He doesn't like to be cold or hurt or working hard. He likes to go shopping and buy new clothes even when he has 10 shirts that look exactly like the one he's buying. Don't get me wrong, he likes shooting and basketball and video games. But often times I get confused and mad. I feel like he's not acting how a 'man' should. But then again, maybe I am not acting how a women should. Why doesn't he want to go out with the guys and watch the game and get a beer, and I do? Why does he want to stay home and cuddle under the blankets and watch a new movie, but I don't? Why does this even matter? Why do guys and girls have to have certain things they like and don't like and if they don't fit that, they are not 'girly' enough or not 'man' enough. What if we are just different people who like different things?

Take a Chance

I'm that crazy person that would rather stay home on New Year's Eve while all my friends are having the time of their lives so that I can get up early on the first day of the new year and go run around in the freezing cold muddy hills. And pay to do it. Man I need a life. Well even though I instantly regretted my decision when I woke up this morning and even checked the race's Facebook page, praying that the race had been cancelled because it was too cold or something, I ended up getting out of bed, throwing on all the Under Armour I own and hauling my ass out there. And of course, it was amazing. I love love love running out in the woods. Especially on a trail I have never run. And the rockier and steeper and muddier the better. Because I am one of those people that has 33 different things on her mind at a time so when I have to focus all my concentration on what I'm slamming my feet onto so that I don't sprain my ankle, or worse, roll into an icy lake, that is my calm. I can focus on the trail and every so often look up and see the beautiful world that I am so privileged to live in and forget about all the silly things in life that I stress about. And you know what? I won. I won the race. I didn't even know I won because apparently I was given the wrong bib color so when I crossed the finish line they thought I was like the very last person to finish the 5K. When we finally resolved the issue it turns out all the mud and rocks and freezing cold air had been worth it. If you know anything about me, this is how my life is. I try hard and want the best and usually things don't go very smoothly or the way I want but they always end up perfect. I had to laugh at the irony of the situation.

I thrive off of energy and compassion and dopamine. So when I get up and work out in the morning, it actually energizes me for the rest of the day. It makes we want to be active all day and do things. When I don't start my day off with activity I feel lazy all day. I don't want to go outside. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to work. I feel sorry for myself because I am wasting my day. It is a slow killing circle and is easy to get trapped in. But when I wake up and push my body to its limits and sweat and die a little... oh man... don't get in my way because I can take on the world on those days. And the weird thing is, on those days I love myself no matter what I look like. I eat what I want and don't worry if it is the healthiest option. I hang out with my friends who make me laugh. I get done all the things I need to get done. I don't let distractions slow me down. I power through. Those are my favorite days. And of course today was one of those days. I met up with my friends for brunch who I hadn't seen in forever. We always bail on each other but today it finally worked out. We talked and caught up and everyone was happy and it was such a blessing. Some days being social can feel like so much work and it can be so much easier to stay in your pajamas all day and eat ice cream and watch shitty TV and feel sorry for ourselves, but the truth it when you force yourself out and talk, you always feel better, no matter what kind of day you are having.

Running energizes me and people energize me, so when I got home I didn't pause to check Facebook or rest on the couch. I made some tea and started in on taking down the Christmas decorations. No one likes doing this. No one. I hate putting them up so you can imagine how I feel about taking them down. But my brother turned on a good movie and I took a deep breath and just did it. I didn't think about how much time it would take or how boring it was. Instead I concentrated on the task and took joy in thinking about the history behind each ornament I packaged away. I didn't stop until I had everything taken down and had the entire downstairs closet organized from all the junk we threw in there during the holidays. Sadly my brother was very hungover, being someone who actually enjoyed his New Year's Eve. I take a certain comfort in consoling people who are sick and while I felt bad for him, the motherly figure in me felt good to try and help him feel better. And it made me thankful for my decision to stay in the night before. Because the party is always fun... until the next day.

Eventually my dad stopped by and I felt so blessed to get to spend as much time with my family as often as I do. He accompanied me to church later in the evening and the service could not have been more perfect. You see, we usually go the church in the morning. And it is awesome. I love the service, the worship music, and the pastor. I feel moved every time. I cry every time. I feel inspired or loved or ready to make a change every time. But the evening service is technically a young adult service, although plenty of actual adults come. So I was a little hesitant to go. It wouldn't be my favorite pastor or the amazing worship team that I was used to. But I gave it a chance anyways. The worship started out with the singer doing some kinda reggae groove thing and I instantly dug it. The worship team were all young and unique and while they might not have the trained voices I am used to, they spoke to me. The lyrics in the songs spoke to me like they never had before. I closed my eyes and rocked to the music and could imagine a picture in my head of every lyric and felt so loved and so free and had the perfect feeling for the new year. I cried and smiled and I just rested in the beautiful peacefulness that I felt. I remembered that life is not perfect. Things come and go. Good things and bad things. But I can wash away the bay things whenever I want and burn them out and watch them drip out of my body and I won't feel empty because as I squeeze out the bad and the hurt and heartache, my heart is able to fill up with goodness and happiness and peace and love and hope and joy and faith. And it can grow bigger. Because these things pump it up. Life is never perfect, but it is always exactly how it is supposed to be. And when I finally accept that, I feel nothing but joy. Because I don't have to control it. Instead I can live it. And be it. And love it.

I Stayed

So today is the last day of 2016. This year has been crazy. I think I have had much crazier years, but this is the first year where I have realized that it was crazy. I think this is the year that I have realized a lot of things for the first time. Because I started to let myself feel things. I didn't distract myself or give up or run away or party away my problems. I felt stuff. Good stuff. Bad stuff. Some days that were just ok, which is almost worse. Sometimes not feeling anything is the worst feeling ever. But I decided this year to live my life by the faith that things would work out. I'm a type A personality. When things don't go my way I leave or correct them or blame someone or distract myself with things I can control. But I finally decided that enough was enough. I did it my way for 29 years and somehow I didn't end up where I wanted. So I did something different. I did all the things I don't do. I came home from Thailand in February ready to change my friends, my family, and my town with my newfound knowledge of how to find happiness. But guess what. I couldn't change them. 

When I realized my life was exactly how I left it, I wanted to run away. I was so ready to. I accepted a job out of state where I could go hide in the forest and not have to see anyone I knew. But something stopped me from following through. I knew I couldn't run away my whole life. So I stayed. I went back to my job pouring beer at the local taphouse. A job I love and hate. I get to make people happy and laugh every day and interact with great people. But some days I don't want to make everyone happy. I don't want to engage in small talk. I don't want to be nice to the asshole who thinks because I talked to him and smiled I want to go home with him. But I didn't give up. I stuck with it. I made relationships at work with coworkers and patrons and made random people have a better day. I have a job that makes me feel happy and best of all gives me a ton of time off to be with loved ones and go exploring and doing the things I love.

I started dating a guy who was eight years younger than me. I DON'T date younger guys. I just don't. Why? I don't know. Because they're immature I guess. Because I have always dated older guys... who didn't work out. I was scared to death to start dating this guy, not only because he was younger, but he was also my little brother's friend. Cause you don't do that right? People will talk right? Especially when you are both from the same small town. But you know what? I did it anyways. I said hey God, I like this guy, I don't know if it is going to work out, but it's in your hands now, let me know what you think. And things were great. And then things were hard. We love and we fight. We kiss and we scream. Some days I dream of the kids we're gonna have and the adventures we're gonna go on and some days I don't think I can look at him another second without crying or screaming. Some days I want to run away. But I don't. I stayed. And he has turned into my best friend and the best lover I have ever had. Someone who is willing to learn and fight and work on us. Someone who knows it's not always gonna be perfect, but knows that it's ok. 

I live in a city that sometimes I love and sometimes I hate. I know so many great people here and have so many friends. Everywhere I go I know people. People know me and my life. But there are also so many people here that disappoint me. That anger and confuse me. And sometime knowing everyone is not the best thing. It can bring a lot of heartbreak and hurt and messiness. And a lot of times I want to run away from my friends and family because they are not perfect. Our relationships are not perfect. They are messy and confusing and frustrating. But they are my people. So I stayed. I love them on the days they make me laugh and on the days they make me scream and cry. Because they are my world.

I don't know what the future holds. No one does. But when I was in Thailand I learned the hardest lesson I have ever learned. And the most beneficial one. That I am not in control of the world. The world doesn't revolve around me. I can't make life be always butterflies and roses. I can't make every day a party. I can't make everyone like me. And it's not my job to please everyone. I'm not perfect and neither is the world and I will never be able to fix either. And distracting myself and running away won't make things better because the world is always going to be here this way. Broken and confusing and exciting an loving and hurtful and chaotic and beautiful and mesmerizing and crazy. No matter where I go it will be this way. No matter where I try to hide it will be this way, No matter what I try to distract myself with to make it seem perfect... it won't be. And that makes it so much better. 

So here I am. Just me, how I am. Not running or hiding. Not screaming or crying or singing. Just me. Entering the new year. Doing this life. We only get one. It's gonna happen no matter what. I can chose to plan and manuver every day the way I think it should be and never be surprised or excited or let down. Or I can just experience it, the roller coaster that its is. And live through all the good and bad and stay here and do it the best I can. I chose to stay. I chose to live.