I Stayed

So today is the last day of 2016. This year has been crazy. I think I have had much crazier years, but this is the first year where I have realized that it was crazy. I think this is the year that I have realized a lot of things for the first time. Because I started to let myself feel things. I didn't distract myself or give up or run away or party away my problems. I felt stuff. Good stuff. Bad stuff. Some days that were just ok, which is almost worse. Sometimes not feeling anything is the worst feeling ever. But I decided this year to live my life by the faith that things would work out. I'm a type A personality. When things don't go my way I leave or correct them or blame someone or distract myself with things I can control. But I finally decided that enough was enough. I did it my way for 29 years and somehow I didn't end up where I wanted. So I did something different. I did all the things I don't do. I came home from Thailand in February ready to change my friends, my family, and my town with my newfound knowledge of how to find happiness. But guess what. I couldn't change them. 

When I realized my life was exactly how I left it, I wanted to run away. I was so ready to. I accepted a job out of state where I could go hide in the forest and not have to see anyone I knew. But something stopped me from following through. I knew I couldn't run away my whole life. So I stayed. I went back to my job pouring beer at the local taphouse. A job I love and hate. I get to make people happy and laugh every day and interact with great people. But some days I don't want to make everyone happy. I don't want to engage in small talk. I don't want to be nice to the asshole who thinks because I talked to him and smiled I want to go home with him. But I didn't give up. I stuck with it. I made relationships at work with coworkers and patrons and made random people have a better day. I have a job that makes me feel happy and best of all gives me a ton of time off to be with loved ones and go exploring and doing the things I love.

I started dating a guy who was eight years younger than me. I DON'T date younger guys. I just don't. Why? I don't know. Because they're immature I guess. Because I have always dated older guys... who didn't work out. I was scared to death to start dating this guy, not only because he was younger, but he was also my little brother's friend. Cause you don't do that right? People will talk right? Especially when you are both from the same small town. But you know what? I did it anyways. I said hey God, I like this guy, I don't know if it is going to work out, but it's in your hands now, let me know what you think. And things were great. And then things were hard. We love and we fight. We kiss and we scream. Some days I dream of the kids we're gonna have and the adventures we're gonna go on and some days I don't think I can look at him another second without crying or screaming. Some days I want to run away. But I don't. I stayed. And he has turned into my best friend and the best lover I have ever had. Someone who is willing to learn and fight and work on us. Someone who knows it's not always gonna be perfect, but knows that it's ok. 

I live in a city that sometimes I love and sometimes I hate. I know so many great people here and have so many friends. Everywhere I go I know people. People know me and my life. But there are also so many people here that disappoint me. That anger and confuse me. And sometime knowing everyone is not the best thing. It can bring a lot of heartbreak and hurt and messiness. And a lot of times I want to run away from my friends and family because they are not perfect. Our relationships are not perfect. They are messy and confusing and frustrating. But they are my people. So I stayed. I love them on the days they make me laugh and on the days they make me scream and cry. Because they are my world.

I don't know what the future holds. No one does. But when I was in Thailand I learned the hardest lesson I have ever learned. And the most beneficial one. That I am not in control of the world. The world doesn't revolve around me. I can't make life be always butterflies and roses. I can't make every day a party. I can't make everyone like me. And it's not my job to please everyone. I'm not perfect and neither is the world and I will never be able to fix either. And distracting myself and running away won't make things better because the world is always going to be here this way. Broken and confusing and exciting an loving and hurtful and chaotic and beautiful and mesmerizing and crazy. No matter where I go it will be this way. No matter where I try to hide it will be this way, No matter what I try to distract myself with to make it seem perfect... it won't be. And that makes it so much better. 

So here I am. Just me, how I am. Not running or hiding. Not screaming or crying or singing. Just me. Entering the new year. Doing this life. We only get one. It's gonna happen no matter what. I can chose to plan and manuver every day the way I think it should be and never be surprised or excited or let down. Or I can just experience it, the roller coaster that its is. And live through all the good and bad and stay here and do it the best I can. I chose to stay. I chose to live.