I'm that crazy person that would rather stay home on New Year's Eve while all my friends are having the time of their lives so that I can get up early on the first day of the new year and go run around in the freezing cold muddy hills. And pay to do it. Man I need a life. Well even though I instantly regretted my decision when I woke up this morning and even checked the race's Facebook page, praying that the race had been cancelled because it was too cold or something, I ended up getting out of bed, throwing on all the Under Armour I own and hauling my ass out there. And of course, it was amazing. I love love love running out in the woods. Especially on a trail I have never run. And the rockier and steeper and muddier the better. Because I am one of those people that has 33 different things on her mind at a time so when I have to focus all my concentration on what I'm slamming my feet onto so that I don't sprain my ankle, or worse, roll into an icy lake, that is my calm. I can focus on the trail and every so often look up and see the beautiful world that I am so privileged to live in and forget about all the silly things in life that I stress about. And you know what? I won. I won the race. I didn't even know I won because apparently I was given the wrong bib color so when I crossed the finish line they thought I was like the very last person to finish the 5K. When we finally resolved the issue it turns out all the mud and rocks and freezing cold air had been worth it. If you know anything about me, this is how my life is. I try hard and want the best and usually things don't go very smoothly or the way I want but they always end up perfect. I had to laugh at the irony of the situation.
I thrive off of energy and compassion and dopamine. So when I get up and work out in the morning, it actually energizes me for the rest of the day. It makes we want to be active all day and do things. When I don't start my day off with activity I feel lazy all day. I don't want to go outside. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to work. I feel sorry for myself because I am wasting my day. It is a slow killing circle and is easy to get trapped in. But when I wake up and push my body to its limits and sweat and die a little... oh man... don't get in my way because I can take on the world on those days. And the weird thing is, on those days I love myself no matter what I look like. I eat what I want and don't worry if it is the healthiest option. I hang out with my friends who make me laugh. I get done all the things I need to get done. I don't let distractions slow me down. I power through. Those are my favorite days. And of course today was one of those days. I met up with my friends for brunch who I hadn't seen in forever. We always bail on each other but today it finally worked out. We talked and caught up and everyone was happy and it was such a blessing. Some days being social can feel like so much work and it can be so much easier to stay in your pajamas all day and eat ice cream and watch shitty TV and feel sorry for ourselves, but the truth it when you force yourself out and talk, you always feel better, no matter what kind of day you are having.
Running energizes me and people energize me, so when I got home I didn't pause to check Facebook or rest on the couch. I made some tea and started in on taking down the Christmas decorations. No one likes doing this. No one. I hate putting them up so you can imagine how I feel about taking them down. But my brother turned on a good movie and I took a deep breath and just did it. I didn't think about how much time it would take or how boring it was. Instead I concentrated on the task and took joy in thinking about the history behind each ornament I packaged away. I didn't stop until I had everything taken down and had the entire downstairs closet organized from all the junk we threw in there during the holidays. Sadly my brother was very hungover, being someone who actually enjoyed his New Year's Eve. I take a certain comfort in consoling people who are sick and while I felt bad for him, the motherly figure in me felt good to try and help him feel better. And it made me thankful for my decision to stay in the night before. Because the party is always fun... until the next day.
Eventually my dad stopped by and I felt so blessed to get to spend as much time with my family as often as I do. He accompanied me to church later in the evening and the service could not have been more perfect. You see, we usually go the church in the morning. And it is awesome. I love the service, the worship music, and the pastor. I feel moved every time. I cry every time. I feel inspired or loved or ready to make a change every time. But the evening service is technically a young adult service, although plenty of actual adults come. So I was a little hesitant to go. It wouldn't be my favorite pastor or the amazing worship team that I was used to. But I gave it a chance anyways. The worship started out with the singer doing some kinda reggae groove thing and I instantly dug it. The worship team were all young and unique and while they might not have the trained voices I am used to, they spoke to me. The lyrics in the songs spoke to me like they never had before. I closed my eyes and rocked to the music and could imagine a picture in my head of every lyric and felt so loved and so free and had the perfect feeling for the new year. I cried and smiled and I just rested in the beautiful peacefulness that I felt. I remembered that life is not perfect. Things come and go. Good things and bad things. But I can wash away the bay things whenever I want and burn them out and watch them drip out of my body and I won't feel empty because as I squeeze out the bad and the hurt and heartache, my heart is able to fill up with goodness and happiness and peace and love and hope and joy and faith. And it can grow bigger. Because these things pump it up. Life is never perfect, but it is always exactly how it is supposed to be. And when I finally accept that, I feel nothing but joy. Because I don't have to control it. Instead I can live it. And be it. And love it.
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